The Little House on the Prairie Fashion Club
Our family wasn't particulary extreme regarding dress standards but we did insist on longish dresses and plaits for the girls for several years.This morning my 17 year old daughter K reminded me how damaged she had felt by that over-emphasis on feminine modesty. She tells me that in her view it had three significant effects. First, she grew to have a lasting disrespect for men and boys who obviously couldn't keep their minds away from her private parts. K says she felt disgusted at male weakness and their apparent obsession with all things sexual. I know she still struggles even to imagine enjoying a healthy partnership with a man.
In addition, dressing like weirdos served, conveniently, both to keep a distance between us and 'the world' and also helped us spot like-minded families in a crowd. K tells me that, even though she's glad she's at school now, she feels 16 years behind the eight ball when she's with her peers. Dress and other conservative choices we made kept my kids from engaging with their own culture. In an effort to follow the advice of patriarchal teachers such as Jonathan Lindvall we 'dared to shelter' our kids from many things that would help them function in a 21st world.
Finally, and perhaps most disturbing is that K says she grew up believing that there was something very wrong with her body. Having to hide herself away under a veritable mountain of denim and promptly being admonished when any bits weren't properly covered left her confused and, she says, appalled at her own foulness. She tells me that, before she even came to the dreadful realisation that God planned a very limited range of life choices for her, she knew she hated it that he had made her a girl.
How incredibly sad is that? I am heartbroken that I participated in crushing the self-worth of such a beautiful, intelligent and energetic young woman. And I feel very lucky indeed that she loves me still and allows me to walk beside her to build her up and help her realise her full potential.
It has been several years since I stopped enforcing the dress code in our home. Really, as soon as our girls reached their teen years the foolishness of such a position became clear to me. The fact that my two oldest girls came to me threatening mutiny helped a lot :) I dropped over-the-top modesty like a hot potato when I realised it was hurting my girls - and probably my boys - and damaging my relationship with them. Thank God my desire to keep the love and respect of my children overruled my foolish legalism.
I can imagine a flood of 'if anyone loves father, mother....more than me' tut-tutting from some former churchmates as I write. I understand the fear of hell but I have chosen to love my kids regardless. I praise the day I realised I loved my children too much to stand on silly, man-made principle. Whatever happens and whoever my kids decide to be, the only mother they've got in the world is going to stand beside them cheering them on. No matter what it costs me.
Addendum:
I just got in from collecting K from her part-time job. On the way home in the car I told her about this post. This is what she said:
"Now I love being a woman. I feel powerful, strong and capable of doing anything I want to do."
A little joybird just nested in my heart.
I read something similar to your daughter's sentiments on another blog a while ago (either NLQ or Quiverying Daughters, I don't remember). Anyway a woman who grew up in a similar household wrote that she felt that she was garbage, that as a women God had made her like garbage, and that she hated being made a woman and questioned why God would do that to her. It seemed from her writing that she literally felt that being born a girl was a punishment from God! That blog entry just broke my heart, as did this one about the lasting effects of enforcing such dress/behavior/thinking. Thank goodness you got out and thank goodness your daughter is doing so well!
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